life is real

some people say, that i'm too open. that's not good tell everything about me. that these same people will turn and use everything i say against me. they'll try to spoil my ways and spread lies. life is not a fairtail. i live my life the way i want. you should know life is rwal. (adapted from an Ayo song, "life is real"

litsening to this song reminds me to hold no regrets and never look back. my eyes were place in the front so i'm always looking forward. it takes no energy to do this. but to turn around causes stress and strain.

on the other hand, i have come to learn that by looking back upon the road i've traveled tells why i am in the place i currently find myself. making the statement, "why me?" a moot point. today, i say why not? who else is better equiped to face the challeges set before me, then myself? the answer - i am.

the past few weeks i have gone to rehab. after thirty days, i got kcked out of rehab. found a job and after two weeks i was laid off. nothing i thought would work has panned out to be anything more than, false starts. but hey, i'm still sober, living indoors and have people who care about me.

things could be worse.

well, despite my hopes for a more exciting night. at least i have back episodes of the vampire diaries to watch.

well, now isnt this special.

first, be advised; i firmly believe that a) "help" - leaves the reciepient in a better place than before thehelp was given. if there's no difference between the before and after, there was no help. b) if "you" do something for someone and expect a "thank you", you've wasted your time. also, i moderate comments. this is my soap box not yours, dumb ass!

ok, day nine of no smoking and a day one clean and sober. as i look around i don't see any dead bodies or anyone or thing burning. i guess today was a success.

btw, happy birthday to my niece j.w. have fun in france!

there is more to this

i want to wish my nephew dr the best birthday ever!

the pic looks like a man running. which is how felt most of today

i'm beginning to feel extremly tired and i will be happy when i can go to sleep, so i'm going to try to make this quick and hopefully coherent. right now, i'm stuck waiting for one of my better friends to finish his date before i head there to crash tonight. this particular friend, i tend to think of as, "my mother's male counterpart" their birthdays are days apart and their personalities are eerily similar. which i find a bizarre comfort in. i not sure if i shared this before but when i first experienced the delight of living outdoors. he and i had just established our friendship when he offered to hold my belonging on his porch while i camped out in the park. when i left the park and went on to do my rehab world tour, he still held on to my belongings for almost five years!and you know what, he never charged me one red cent. however, i did have to pay back the nearly $500 i borrowed over the same time period. lol. if i don't screw myself one way there's always another.

well, with my entrance to detox only a day away i'm looking forward to spending the night with my dear old friend. since, the love boat i've been on has finally crashed and burned. i tell you, this has got to be the definitive action of my life. i am a sucker for love when my life is in flux. but my ptsd, addictive personally and warped morals always seem to lead me to the winners out there. and this one has got to take the cake of ultimate fuck ups. boy did i (think) i loved him. but as it turns out, he doesn't love himself so how can he love anyone else. his house is like a kennel, full of other strays like me, constant traffic and loads of drama. the biggest red flag was his fascination with his abusive xbf. i wish i could tell every person currently in an abusive relationship that if someone makes the comment that your relationship is unhealthy, abusive and you should get out of it. please don't dismiss it by defending your crazy mate. we all have challenging family histories. and the only person responsible for our troubles is ourselves. with that said, i now know that i am not the one to be pining away for no man that doesn't think he's worth it. this has been the second time i had to witness the results of my terrible selection skills as it relates to relationships. and i have learned a valuable lesson.

well, i've been sober a whole 48 hours! yeah, i sure wish i was high during the last twenty-four so it would be easier to forget the experience. i saw something last night that i can't really explain. it wasn't the first time i've seen this and i know it won't be the last. the only reason i'm even mentioning this is because i was sober. and these were images i would when high on gas. strange sounding as it is, i trust in my heart that whatever it was i saw was made me feel safe that night. what a dozy of paragraph this is turning out to be. i started talking about being sober and ended with sounding more like crazy. somewhere in there is a happy medium.

it should not be ignored that the outcome of these events was unexpectedly fulfilling. in light of missing an important phone call (which was why i even lingering as long as i did at the fuckup's house) i was compelled with the need to move business of living along. i contacted my case manager regarding detox, which stands between me a housing and in the process got a date to be admitted. and as a bonus, i got my monthly bus pass taken care of for the next several months. and not to forget the most important thing i did today; finally turned in applications for jobs that i completed last week. wow, what i concept, me - looking for work. now, who would have known that from out of my greatest pain came a real joy.

hmmmm, tomorrow i'll get my things together for detox and runs some other errands. then swing by gays games and grub at the san diego glbt center. the crowd leaves much to be desired, there's free pizza, sodas, beer and wine. i know, i've got 48 hours. but i what will i do in detox if i'm not high? and i'll end my night in east county with my favorite xbf to hear how his the recent visit from his sister went. it's nice to know my family isn't the craziest on the block.

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and i thought i was good.

Texts From Bennett | Bennett is good at multitasking.

Texts From Bennett | Bennett is good at multitasking.:

'via Blog this'

or maybe, i'm just better at being more discreet about some things? i'm surprised at how wildly popular this blog is. i'm just sad that the author uses, bennett and his text messages, are used to illustrate what "acting black" looks like. now, i'm compelled to follow just so i may interject where appropriate. sheepel need to know that THIS real black person does not act that way. i'm a little more crazier than that. lmfao!
what the heck does 'acting black" looks like anyway? people are people, are you so lazy that you lump people together with sterotypes. when i catch wind of that in a person i turn and run the other way. who needs it?!?

no farewells: it's until we meet again.

thank you, 2011. there were many lessons and wisdom gained the last 12 months. the acculmanation of this cycle of events brought about a suddle realization, "i am being reminded of what have always known but lost focus of. this is surely the end of yin times.

ironicly, choices i make today mirror those made many times in the past. a final test? i am grateful and thankful that this anamnesis is not met with the usual foreboding carelessness as before. today, i know, i am in the right place and time. here, is where i am supposed to be. i expect abundance in my life and from this abundance it effect benefits everything around me.

"to the roof, batman, to the roof!!"

anyway, from this point of departure, new goals are finally in sight and my path laid before me. humbly, i remain without a clue as to how i will achieve any of this. without a doubt i trust that creating the "what" is my part and the how is left to the universe.

in 2012, i will practice mindfulness and perservere in the proper development of my character. in the i ching there are nine hexagrams used to outline the achievement of this. i have read and understand much of it but there is much i have yet to learn. shortly after i began listening to the audio version of, "the secret". i came found an ebook written in 1907 titled, the secret to success" on hunch i downloaded it. serendipitly i discovered that both of these books were written about the same subject matter, "the law of attraction". the earlier edition was written in language, that if spoken now would sound foriegn to some and to most of the people i know. which made the chapter on personality that struck a chord with me. becuase like the writers use of vocabulary this topic seemed like a lost art. or could it be something we've allways know but fails to act upon? who knows. bottom line, in the final pages the writter contradicts himself by doling out a rule which was something he stated early on this was that kind of book. but it's really ok since i do the same thing. and i found something i will use in the days to to come:

"you can be what you want to be - if you only want to hard enough. desire is the mother of the actuality. remember once more the old rule -earnest desire - confident expectation - firm resolve - these are the three things that lead to ACCOMPLISHMENT." this was taken form, "the secret of success" in chapter, "attractive personality" 96.81% into the book.